a quick little tale about my fucking baseball team: LES EXPOS

the battlecry of the monteal expos is VIVE LES EXPOS!!@#

the expos live.

and why is that their cry?!@

THE EXPOS LIVE!!@#$

funny that a team that would die an infamous death would have that battlecry when they were alive... oh well.

baseball been vewwy vewwy good to me i mean COME THE FUCK ON WHO SAW VLAD VALIDATE MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE AS A FAN OF THE MAN WHO WILL SOMEDAY BE THE NAMESAKE OF THE VLADIMIR ALVINO GUERRERO ELEMENTARY SCHOOL IN CHICAGO IL?!@

fret not montreal and LA, vlad's got plenty of love to go around... cuz while vlad can just as easily get himself out by being like "fuck this i'm vlad and i'm sick of taking walks i'mma swing for the fences i dont care where the pitch is" at the same time, when he bats in this postseason, put on espnradio nad listen... i have a feeling miller/morgan/phillips might supercede schulman and soup but i hope not, i think the ALCS will have schuman and soup... listen to baseball announcers gush over vladimir guerrero.

most dont say he's the best, but when you get into baseball circles people just smile when you talk about vlad... he's so respected that he doesnt even do postgame interviews... you leave vlad alone. he's just here to impale first pitches with the game on the line, and thats all he does. oh and make 15 mil a year and have an awesome life... did you know he brings teammates over to his house for homecooked meals by his mother!?@

VLADIMIR GUERRERO: a man who could have played baseball in the 30s and been considered on par with any legend you can think up, but we have him now. in this era of steroids (hey pujols, you're an asshole, hence your last name) he was the one guy you could believe in cuz like.... look at him. he's the fucking dude.

and when it's all said and done, he'll be the third and final expo in teh hall of fame behind andre dawson and pedro martinez, and that's your little club... the expos never won a world series, but they were THE FARM SYSTEM TO BASEBALL. oh wait... they were gonna win a world series, in 1994. my badass uncle who's #27 RF big badass arm and a baseball fucking genius (he told me that 75% of the time the first pitch on a 3-2 count is a foul ball... i was like hell naw... but he's write) calls the 1994 expos the best team of the 90s. they were gonna play the whitesox in the world series... but i never happened. and when the firesale started loria bought the expos the expos fans packed a shitty park when their team was the shit... then a strike comes and their year is wiped out. and when they come back wetteland is winning titles on the yankees, then the team is systematically dismantled everyone is traded away... then a kid named guerrero comes up and only a few thousand diehard fans go... steroid ridden losers never brought them back... they had standards... they packed a shitty ballpark to watch the legendary 94 expos and their thanks was a strike borne of greed and it's like WTF YOU FUCKED UP OUR YEAR THEN STARTED DISMANTLING THE BEST TEAM OF THE 90S?!@ FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU. see cubs fans show up even jim hendry makes dumbass moves like milton bradley... btw he started with the expos. thats why he has baseball acumen. ozzie guillen started coaching and managing with the expos and went with loria to the marlins... that's why he's the most underrated tactical manager in baseball. the motherfucking montreal expos were the realest team in baseball, so real in fact they were dismantled torn apart trading grady sizemore cliff lee and brandon phillips, the future of the franchise, for a 1/2 season of bartolo colon in a walk year, so this way the team would go for as cheap as possible... then when loria bought the marlins he took the expos farm system so the nationals wouldnt have that beloved farm system... and look at the marlins and their young talent. uggla, the seasoning of hanley ramirez, liberated from the redsox, umm the pitchers... grandpa bettis' guy ricky nolasco, anibal sanchez, josh johnson... those are neo-expos in the marlins system.... and the zombified remains sent to the nations capital for as cheap as possible, and welp, i got love for everyone... but it makes me smile to see the nationals have the worst record in baseball every year. and i think they're going to suck for a long long time and never win a title. but hey, at least they play baseball, and baseball isn't about winning and losing, although who am i shitting 09 ANGELS BABY YES IT'S ABOUT WINNING EVERY NOW AND THEN WHEN YOU KNOW ITS TIME, but in the end, my favorite baseball games are at the end of a year when a team's out of the pennant race and playing another team done.. it's september and the callups are up and the people there arent bandwagoners, the crowds are sparse, you can move around, cuz all the people there arent taking out dates to a hot ticket, not there for some promotion or whatever... they do odd things at these baseball games: THEY'RE THERE TO WATCH BASEBALL.

you know, those expos they had two radio broadcasts did the expos, one in english, one in french... and la stade olympique is the worst place to see a game... i lie and tell people i went there in 02 cuz i had the idea but didnt pull the trigger... but i know i will see plenty of games at la stade olympique someday. yes.


FARM SYSTEM TO BASEBALL BABY?!@ where did randy johnson come from?!@ larry walker?!@ gary carter (good. go in as a met, if you diss the expos you're an idiot. pedro's prolly gonna be like "whoa, the expos sprung me from teh dodgers, who passed up on vlad cuz they needed wilton, and after i got my cy young they sent me to boston immediately... they built me up into a badass pitcher... i rolled with a midget when i won the world series in 04... you know what?!2 i'm going to go in as an expo cuz i mean there's andre dawson and then there's vlad and in baseball history the three most badass expos ever, andre dawson pedro and vlad, there's your club"

and if vlad goes in as an angel, which he wont, i've already told the story of how he got signed... he'll want to thank the expos for giving him the chance to play baseball and the angels wont be salty... they'll understand.

the expos are legendary, they're badass... and i'm the guy who has had the aim name "thelastexpo" held down since 2001 =P =P =P

* high five *

FUCK BAAAASTAAAAANNN IT IS THE YEAR OF THE ANGELS

CA****R**** IT'S NOT CAAAAAAAAAAAAA IT'S CARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR LIKE YOU'RE A FUCKING PIRATE ABOUT TO SLICE SHOOT OR ROB SOMEONE GOT THAT YOU LAMEASS MOTHERFUCKERS!?@

http://www.boston.com/sports/basketball/celtics/extras/celtics_blog/2008/06/the_back_beat_b.html

study up. these lameasses even made signs to beat the angels this year EVEN THO THEY BEAT THE FUCKING ANGELS IN 04 07 AND 08.

what it is your birthright to do this!?@


LOOK THESE ASSHOLES EVEN DO IT BEFORE THEY PLAY LA!!!@#

look they'll sell you a fucking t-shirt to celebrate beating LA




so what happens!?@



click on that to find out.

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED?!@



vladimir happened.

yeah, this guy.



in fact i've got a new thing for www.myspace.com/vladimirguerrero

anyways, like, dude... bottom 8th 2 on 1 out kendry morales moves the runners over from 1st and 2nd to 2nd and third. .337/37/170 in cuba... mm-hmm.

so then CICERO FUCKING ROCKSTAR JUAN RIVERA COMES UP

http://baseball.fantasysports.yahoo.com/b1/137056/8 >>> if you dont believe me. ask the guys in the league, my team was locked in with a month or two left to go. 75 moves MY FUCKING ASS. GET RID OF THAT SHIT NEXT YEAR OR I'LL PLAY FANTASY BASEBALL WITH BEN WEASEL AS OPPOSED TO YOU.

anyways, i tweet the following as it goes to commercial

Way 2 m0ve up the runners kendry. Time 4 papelb0n 2 face rivera. A rispy kn0ck plates 2 2 make it 5-4 carmines. Btw j rivera = cicer0 r0ckstar =D

then what happens, whilst i'm mid making the world's foremost aphex twin mix that amazingly isn't by aphex twin?!@ well he likes his fans to make their own aphex twin shirts... he encourages people to create. and shut up and leave him alone. in no particular order.

so then 9th inning 2 on 2 out.... redsox up 6-5 and first base is open. terry francona goes with conventional baseball logic and says "ok, toriii hunter has been hto that big 3 run jack vladimir guerrero, man, it's a risk but he can get himself out as easily as he can fuck us up horrorshow. i'll set up a force at every base for ease of my infield and we'll see what happens.

one small problem..... vladimir fucking guerrero is coming up to the plate.

this guy. look at how he signs his name



like a child whose eyes are still full of wonder... felipe alou said of vlad "it's like god put his arm around him and said "son, you're going to play baseball"

first pitch 2 run bloop single into center to put the angels ahead 7-6 and tell the city of boston to GO FUCK ITSELF IN THEIR CAAAAAAS!@$#@ ABOUT FUCKING TIME TOO I HAD TO SEE THE LAKE SHOW LOSE TO FUCKING BOSTON IN THAT COMEFROMBEHIND WITH 2 LAME WHITE DUDES IN GREEN BEAT LA SHIRTS BEHIND ME AT MOTEL BAR WHEN MY FRIEND VELVET WAS DJING@!# DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING PAINFUL IT IS TO LOSE TO FUCKING BAAAAAAASTAN?!@ ASK THE YANKEES IN 04. HOWEVER, THEY HAVE 26 REASONS TO FLIP OFF BOSTON AS THEY ALWAYS DO.

right after i saw the hit i immediately knew it was signed sealed delivered and mine and i went to get some menthol cigarettes and tweeted the following

VLADIMIR MOTHERFUCKING GUERRERO NA NA NA NA HEY HEY GOODBYE FUCKING BEAT LA SIGN HOLDING LOSERS FUCK YOU AND UR WORLDS MOST SHIT ACCENTS WE MADE UP 4 THE LAKERS

take it from a guy from chicago, we know how to tell you to get the fuck out of our house

blam blamming the guy tied with me with a few days left

oh you think you mean that i care if he finishes ahead of me in this league?!@ do you know where i'm finishing!?@ wherever god wants me to finish imma go there.

i'm here to do what i do.. and..

who am i kidding.

meet your 5th place champion cicero motherfuc... cough cough blood arrgsldjfh * lights more crack * NO MOVES LEFT?!@ PLAYERS WELCOME LIMITATIONS MORE SKILL EVEN THO... * DRY HEAVES * IT'S ALL BITCHSHIT...KING ROCKSTARS!#@$#@

and 6th place coolio... gangsta's paradise!?@ mmhmmm. ask the custless wonders about gangsta, they tend to win the league i'm in every year, hence why i'm in it every year. met fred mcgriff's wife!?@ he gets served by the custless wonders. now many could be like "well tahts cuz i dont have a desire to play fantasy baseball making lightning quick moves like i literally get cellphone alerts for roster moves and shit and if tampa bay names a closer at 6:00 man you know i'm watching a re-run of seinfeld and having dinner and you know who goes and makes that moev by 6:06!?@"

the guy winning the fucking league, that's who.

* high five *

tigers, enjoy getting beaten by the ALCS-losing new york yankees.

HERE'S THE AL PLAYOFF SCENARIO, THEN THE WORLD SERIES... GRATIS.

le tigre vs the yankees. good luck with that. verlander and edwin jackson have to man the fuck up and go 01 schilling johnson evne with migcab and rabes and inge playing all nine i mean well, still no 2009 exists for the angels to have a world championship. dont worry, verlander and edwin jackson is pretty fuckyou, give it a year or two and dude, migcab's pure hes not on the juice and you have him. eminem's from detroit. see like, the lions won their first game since lincoln freed the slaves and they'll lose their first game since then when the bears go "hey kid, meet billy the kid" KAPOW#!@%$#@^%$K;SFDJL

ANGELS take boston. finally. we've been waiting for years, true believers. yanks take le tigre, setting us up for angels and demons!?@ fuck dan brown. angels and yankees. i'd read that book NO I'LL WRITE IT FOR FREE ON THE INTERNET AS IT HAPPENS WOOOOSKL;DFJAS;DF whos my literary agent?!@ ME.

angels win. this way, espn respects the shit out of them cuz some people out there have small enough dicks to claim "yeah them angels won the title but if the yanks hadnt gotten kicked in the nuts by big bad and black as shit edwin jackson two two three times in the series and that cabrera kid wow that kid can hit" no. le tigre, i'd much rather see you in the ALCS over the yankees but it HAS to be the yankees. this is the angels year and since nobody else has the balls to do it, i'll write the story before it happens cuz it's so beautiful it has to happen. like the bears winning this year's super bowl.

anyways, so the angels win the AL. and who's thre to stop the AL champs!?@ the LA champs. AL vs LA. god's team vs the boys from the ravine. LA county vs orange county... AND NOTHING RHYMES WITH ORANGE?!@

is that a bad thing?!@ orange is fucking independent like overheavied permaslipping skateboard trucks going across your face and taking your nose's virginity as a souvenir, maybe an eye if it's lucky.

vlad will be the pivotal part in the angels clearing out all of the doubt, all of the hate, and winning the fucking 2009 world series in the most badass way possible. that's god's gift to vladimir guerrero, cuz i think vlad's always known he was going to win one, as felipe alou, his OG manager said (vlad has played under felipe alou and frank robinson. think about that. he's had mentors) felipe said of him "it's like god walked up to him as a kid, put his arm around him, and was like "son, you're gonna play baseball"


ahhhhh. the best pure hitter since ted williams or double X or willie mays or whoever walked the earth. i mean they say in the steroid era you cant compare eras of big roided up freaks smashing balls out of cookiecutter ballparks this and that.

bullshit. talk vlad and talk ted williams how different are you really being!?@

oh yeah, vlad hit a homerun off of a pitch that bounced. ted williams would brag that they bounced a pitch to him he'd laugh at them cuz they're afraid.

of course vlad's more badass, his nickname is vlad the impaler, which most people dont have the balls to say, cuz like, if vlad the impaler LIKED YOU he killed you fast, and like, if he hated you he sat you atop a giant sharpened 20 foot pool that allowed you to die with a giant pole up your ass over the span of a day to a week or something, maybe an inch a day...

DIE SLOW MOTHERFUCKER MY 4-4 MAKE SURE ALL YO KIDS AINT GROW - PAC

nostradamus predicted that i'd take over my fantasy baseball league forums around this time... ready for world war 3?!@

keep in mind, i'm typing this next to a banner ad that says "katy perry hangs out backstage with her number one fan"

i will be her number one fan if she begs me to have hot sex with her. the best part about hot sex is like, women can't talk. honestly, it is not their job to talk, tho the ones who can do it like an artform YEEEAHHH. some women are just here to be hot shoved around idolized accordingly and then fucked by champions like me. katy is one of them. gym class heroes!?@ hmm.

how about street ball heroes?!@ so once i drive the lane i'm too have fat to have hangtime but fuck you i'm handling the rock go left down the lane back right hand fake jab step in back around to center get layupish and go under come back up left so fast i'm falling backwards diagonally towards the 3 point line from the basket, two backrolls, and as i'm getting up the shot which was clunged off of the rim is bouncing back diagonally towards in me, in rhythm, the ball bounces into my hands as i ascend up from a double backroll and i'm already in perfect jumpshot rhythm so as the ball divinilistically pops into my hands, i nail a three pointer. swish.

i've studied michael jordan's backpedal and let's just say i did it without even so much as a fist pump cuz i like playing defense more than offense.

about 5 people were lucky enough to witness what they just saw. honestly, this kind of stuff happens to me by accident or randomly or synchronistically however you wanna roll. i dont hatch evil plans to make this shut up.

i mean i had some shitface white kid bragging about his car and his shoes and how i look like weird white trash (white men can't jump. shhh dont tell anyone, we can shoot, right double L who is from french lick but will never lick anything french because he's a real fucking american hero like gi joe!?@ i need a larry bird jersey, when the sonovabitch had knees he'd outshoot you and outdrink you like the gunslinger that he was is and i will be proud to highfive in the future.

you realize, once i get in shape i'm 29... i'm brilliant. i'm going to play in the NBA, right?!@ do you have any idea how good i am at basketball?!@ have you seen me type for free in the guise of writing cuz you have to go to stores to buy books of PROFESSIONAL WRITERS LIKE JOHN HODGMAN (scared him and his book label away in one e-mail trying to get him to make a rap song with me)

go with the unprofessional one. he has no profession cuz he wanders between them all going "hahahhaha cool i can tell off a dumb bitch "BITCH I WAS THE ANTICHRIST 500 YEARS BEFORE I WAS BORN" and not be lying, like sledge hammer?!@# i loev you, god, thanks for allowing me to live in heaven, earth.

oh yeah baseball. AARON HILL 107 RBIS WOOT WOOT. he and his wife had their first kid, and road pussy of the world beware, want a proper baby's daddy, aaron hill gonna be rich soon boy whoooo-heeeee any warrior who lights up starts smackin bastard pitches around the park and god tests him with a knee acl arm whatever it was then he comes back and literally from day 1 of this season does better than chase utley day to day pitch to pitch in a much much harder park to hit in?!@#

* high five *

i hope aaron hill, like redman before him, keeps the babys mamas calling.

the world would be a better place if each city had a half-bastard aaron hill seed, ask redman, he's proud of his kids and i bet he loves that theres so many mothers cuz if he needs more money somehow like his ROYALTY CHECKS dont keep coming for him being intergalactic ROYALTY, hmm, i think my work here is done.