A MOMENT OF SILENCE FOR JOBA.... JOBA THE HUTT.

(upon seeing joba chamberlain dropped by the guy whos gonna win our league, i had to drop this nugget)

palacial one, remember you tried to dump joba on me for uggla?!@ ha. steve stone gave uggla props in his rookie year and steve stone is like top myspace friend btw join the 10+ fine bitches (including the megan fox doppleganger who called me sinicalypse last night... read up @ --- http://forum.watmm.com/topic/48524-adventures-in-rapping-special-revenge-of-the-nerd-edition/ )
but like, as i told you, joba needs to be the heir apparent to rivera... he cant get to 98 consistently as a starter, moreover 93-94, and everything that made him the badass piece of dude he was is gone, there's nothing htere... yankees, throw 100 mil at anoither middling guy and figure your bandbox is gonna allow you to overspend on bats and win... that's why you intentionally built it that way yet you'll be like OH WE DIDNT KNOW HOW THE WIND BLOWS WITH TEH ANGLES OF THE SEATS AND STUFF.

dumbasses we are not. you spend 1 billion on a ballpark and hey its the biggest bandbox in baseball like citizens bank park in philly is crying over its loss of boss status in that regard, just like new comiskey did when the vet 2.0 was built. i mean i get it, you know, i used to hate yankees fans until i went out to yankee stadium last year on sept 15th, like, yankees fans have mad respect for other fans who know their shit... AND THEY FEAR US ANGELS FANS. oh man i got so much respect for my angels hat bionic commando shirt and vlad jersey i'm forever a yankee fan, i mean, i get it. they blast the evil empire star wars theme before the pregame, and jeter's jay-z laden intro is HANDS DOWN THE BEST IN BASEBALL. nothing is close.

and oh man the fried chicken joint on 163rd... holy fuck. you can get some bombass bird fries and a milkshake for $7ish. dude thats love.

as for joba, well, you're seeing that i'm right. i have no interest in him as a starter, if he got back up to 98 and was that badass bullpen guy i'd use him for ERA/WHIP/Ks/wins/in--case-mo-gets-hurt(yeah right, seen his wife?!@ man. him and jorge posada dont fuck around hip hip JORGE foreal man i'll even go as far as pelvis pelvis pelvis JORGE'S WIFE)

so like, it's a sad day in the fantasy baseball universe. the custless wonders are winning this league like they didnt get shouted out in an OG underground rap track by a burgeoning legend who he's chilled with at a sox game before:

http://i49.photobucket.com/albums/f283/sinicalypse/palace400.jpg

(the caption is "lord knows somebody has to")

so yeah dude, it's a pleasure to watch you win the league again and hey 2nd place service to the name james like thanks for ethier... i figure you're on my rapping jock and your offense is so fuckyeah so you shared the love to help me out. i appreciate that dude, i think its too late to play football together but hey god willing we'll be playing baseball again next spring/summer/fall and i wont fuck it up... seriously, i wont be hung over from getting laid the night before... i'll put the bitch on my lap and straight fuck her during the first 20 rounds, like, watch me draft miggy montero next year. i'm calling my shot.

MY PLAYERS ARE AS FOLLOWS, IF SOMEHOW YOU END UP WITH THEM I AM GOING TO GET THEM FROM YOU EVEN IF I HAVE TO BREAK INTO YOUR HOUSE LOG IN AS YOU AND TRADE THEM TO MYSELF:

- miguel montero
- ricky romero
- tommy hanson / tommy hunter
- carlos zambrano and vlad (duh. that's every year massive even if they end up sucking near the end of their careers. i win with my guys, i lose with my guys)
- kevin youkilis (when porcello backed down like the 20 year old 6'5" ironically little bitch that he is, well, that's my first baseman, rain or shine. cuz like, with baseball there's so many wins and losses up and down in the end you look for things to enjoy aside from the outcome, adn the inexorable force of baseball fuckyes known as kevin youkilis has just become a permanent rockstar for the rest of his career)
- rajai davis: norse god of the stolen base
- michael bourn: who drafted him this year?!@ thassss riiiiight.
- aaron hill (since day 1 in this league. since day ~4-5 in my 3 others)
- everth cabrera (imma say he's got the baddest lisp on this side of method man... say it... EVERTHHHHHHH)
- need i even say gordon fucking beckham?!@ he's mine, hands off.

you know, if this was a keeper league and i started off next year with this team, do you have any idea how fucked you'd be?!@

so cop the style try to get my guys... but you've got not just a cunning adversary in me, but a balls out briilliant one... i would have won this league if i was at the draft when it actually started. i've played my ass off but cant make up for the fact i dont have fielder utley howard pujols braun or ~2-3 for-sure early round "didnt take santana" type draft picks, so next year guys, next year... just think by then i can even come by when im on tour and we'll all do a tigers game. promise. it's on me =D

hasta

# theeeee foreal james, like lebron or richard deee

the legend of jorge cantu: baseball jesus

(nicked from my main fantasy league... this is why you dont wanna play baseball with me... i talk)

upon seeing that cicero rockstar castoff jorge cantu got picked up, i said...

subject: OMFG YES BASEBALL JESUS HAS A HOME!@$#@

jorge cantu, a man whom i affectionally referred to as "baseball jesus" for the first month and a half of this baseball season, needed a home. you walked by the pet store and saw a bunch of baseball players pressed up against the glass...

you havent jumped on mark ellis because he's mark ellis. angel pagan came up in the cubs organization...how good could be be!?@ andrew mccutchen is the truth but he's not a fantasy stud on taht team as of yet, and um, kyle blanks truly lives up to the name.

so you took one of the coolest looking players in baseball (he looks gangsta... he wears the brim of his cap low and he's got this chill chinpatch/soulpatch thing that kicks out a little bit to the right of the actual chin, but just enough to wave at you from either side... and he looks down a bunch so you don't see his face and like, i pretend he's wearing a visor cuz like, this world burns too bright for a man as locked in and in the zone as baseball jesus Himself, jorge cantu.

incidentally, the phrase came from one of his OMFG!$#@ weeks in april when he was like 2-2 HR 3 RBI in the 4th inning of a game and i'm just like "FUCKYEAH!!@# THIS GUY IS MY PERSONAL BASEBALL JESUS" and well, the name stuck =D

reply subject: Re: OMFG YES BASEBALL JESUS HAS A HOME!@$

My team is in need of a messiah. If Cantu turns out to be the anointed one that would be great. Maybe I just thought if you could have him, I can too.

my reply subject: JORGE CANTU IS NOT TO BE PASSED AROUND LIKE A ROOFIED WHORE

DUDE THIS IS BASEBALL JESUS. or hey-zeus, however you say it... this isn't like some "ain't no fun if the homies can't have none" this is a commitment. people spend their whole lives believing that if they live a virtuous existence of selfless benevolence that someday st peter gammons will let them through the gates at monument park into the ballfield of heaven and then and only then will they be able to meet the man, the myth, the legend that is jorge cantu, or if you're really OG like you predate baseball jesus in his jorge cantuian form, if you can say his 217 character name only able to be said by humans if they cut off 37% of their tongue in such a pattern that is only known to a team of monks that lives high atop mount everest and will only divulge the secret to the chosen one, and my bad dudes that chosen one is an expos fan, well, then you can't pass around baseball jesus like a roofied whore, ok!?@$#

oh fuck.... johan santana.... dude.

Mon, Aug 24

Santana has been scratched from his start Tuesday due to discomfort in his pitching elbow, ESPN reports.

Recommendation: Santana will see Dr. David Altchek to have his elbow examined and that sound you hear is the panic in every Mets fan.

(Rotowire.com)

---

i've been waiting for his arm to go flying into the 2nd row of the crowd like ever since he was with the twins. remember he came up this badass reliever who spot started until they're like "hm, ok, should we start him?!@"

you think!?@

but yeah man everyone say a prayer, and not for the prospects of my team here, but for johan... he's a great guy to watch pitch, he pitched the first game of the doubleheader i saw at shea last year and the man delivered the goods. by all accounts he's a good guy, a fun interview, and he's real like when he says hit my star player i'm getting two of yours FOR I DO NOT GIVE A FUCK!@ JOHAN SANTANA DOES NOT GIVE THE FUCK!#@#@ and like, wow, i'm afraid he's going to suck like liriano if he has to get some major surgery... so god if you're listening look out for my guy johan... its not like i would have actively sought him had i actually drafted my whole team, nor do i want him next year, cuz where you make your hay in fantasy baseball is in pegging the guys who are going to bust into the upper echelon for that season, so you dont have to overpay for them like i did when i made sure my offense didnt have at least one howard pujols utley fielder braun aka FOR SURE 35+/110+ guy.

still tho, johan, it's been a hell of a ride my friend and you're in my thoughts and prayers, and not just beacuse i want to do better in this league with you or in the other one where i'm up by 30... shit in that league i'd cut you if i could, let you go to pasture, go back to... venezuela, where you're from and like, vive la vida loca, mi negro: nobody is making up a 30 point gap on that team in ~5 weeks.

people seriously forget how good vladimir guerrero is

i was just looking at vladimir guerrero's stats for my vladometer, proudly running on http://www.myspace.com/vladimirguerrero, which i operate (to give you an idea, check out the winner who has http://www.myspace.com/gordonbeckham, otherwise i'd be running that one too. it is a fucking PLEASURE to watch the kid play baseball, like, the baseball gods tossed me appointment television whenever gordon beckham is at the plate: thanks guys) but like, random vlad stat of the night:
vlad has played in 1815 career games as of last night... and he's the wildest swinger in baseball, nose to toes guy, we all saw the highlight of the basehit off of a pitch that bounced a week or two ago, right?!@ (nevermind he's hit a homerun that way. swear to god.) and he's the most notorious first pitch swinger in the game and like, you know, everyone knows vlad is up there to swing like "how does his lower back still operate?!@" right!?@ this guy must be fucking horrible, cuz like, alex rodriguez the ex-best-hitter-in-baseball has struck out 1713 times in 2133 career games and THE best hitter in baseball has struck out 560 times in 1363 games, so at 1815 what do you think vlad has!?@
855. so put it together, he strikes out in less than half of the games that he plays. pujols has slightly better numnbers, and hey i forgot miguel cabrera, the "if i could take one guy to start a team for the longhaul today right now i'd take him" guy that he is, he's got 800k in 1001 games.
when people talk about the upper echelon they never knew / forgot about / or straightup just don't know vlad. it's like when terry boers told me he aint making the hall of fame cuz vlad's done he's falling apart like an old player... well HEY BUDDY, he just has to get over himself and be the best DH he can be. he's hit .356 with 7 HR and 11 RBI in 18 games since he got back off of the DL, and the whole angels team is rolling to the world series this year (you heard it here first. the angels are not getting de-nutted by boston int he playoffs this year, i mean not this year we'll give you 04 and last year, and hey whenever i go to new york city all angels massive, those yankees fans know what one team has PWND them in the playoffs in the 2000s and they respect accordingly. plus yankees fans love and respect and with their team had a chance at buying out vlad or getting vlad, but god works in mysterious ways... when the expos were getting raped and discombobulated and mutilated, he got sprung from the hornet's nest and ended up in the city of angels with the angels... ever wonder why dude kisses his hand and then points up to the sky when he touches home plate on a HR?!@ god's got his back, thats why.

btw http://sinicalypse.kaen.org/djtimosman --- peep the new mixes!@#

letting the mf'ers know

yahoo 5x5 fantasy baseball. i'm in first place by 9 points and this is my team:

C – Miguel Montero
1b – joey votto
2b – aaron hill
Ss – Gordon beckham
3b – Miguel Cabrera
OF – justin uptin
OF – ryan braun
OF – nyjer morgan / Michael bourn
Util/1b/of – kendry morales
Bench/OF – Jason bay
DL/OF – Vladimir guerrero

SP – dan haren, tim lincecum, Edwin Jackson, carlos zambrano, wandy Rodriguez
RP – bobby jenks, Huston street, brad lidge, cj Wilson, mike macdougal

...and this is what i said to the guys today, on a day where i lead the league by 9 points. i took over first about 4-5 days ago, and steadily built to where i am right now. i know i'm winning this one, much like another league where i've held down a 25 point lead for about 2.5 months. put it this way, there hasn't even been a transaction in the league for ~2 weeks =D anyways without further adieu...

hi, my name is james and i'm the guy who just moved into the penthouse upstairs. i really like the view up here, so i think i'm going to settle down here and win this'ere league.

you guys have provided me with good competition this year, especially when i was like dead last in early may with something like 10-15 HRs for that whole month and like 37 points out of first place, and then i started trading. i got rid of dice-k for lidge, i traded votto for jason bay who provided me with early offense to get me off of the ground, and then by the time bay was cooling down the guy i traded votto to cut him, so i was able to get him back, where he has continued to hit .337 for me. i mean literally, i took joey votto's ridiculously hot start traded him away and then got him back when he was hitting as well as he was at that hot start, so it's like i got jason bay for free.

then i was able to parlay todd helton and the underachieving cole hamels for miguel cabrera, which should have been your uh-oh moment right there because once i got a top-5 bat in my lineup i knew the offense was going to come around, and what's going to be the icing on the cake was the surprising availibility of kendry morales, who has been like fuckyeah, giving me mad depth when i need it most.

barring nuclear war, mass pestilence/plague, invading aliens, or a massive meteor strike akin to the one that serenaded the dinosaurs happening, i'm winning this league. in fact, i'm declaring it won right now. i've got my lead up to 9 points and i'm only going to rise up from there, i mean seriously look at my team and then look at yours, i mean, you've got good solid teams with some yeah players, but then look at my team again, and you'll realize it's my league guys.

so thanks for all of the fun and i'll see you at the ceremony that dennis green is throwing to formally crown my ass. hasta!!@

# james

beckham is the goods, foreal.

sox vs yankees: section 544 row 4 seat 15 on a perfect sunday afternoon in the northern part of the southside of chicago. the yankees fans represented as they always do whenever their team is in chicago, and despite rocking my evil empire shirt that i bought outside of yankee stadium last september (when i caught david price's MLB debut and i also think jeter set the mark for most hits or RBI or something by a yankee) i decided that it's time to grab one of those moderately overpriced beckham jerseyshirts, as from everything i've seen this dude is the truth.
yesterday's game did nothing but bolster my claims there. in his first at bat he works the count to 3-2 after starting 1-2 and manages to turn on a high and outside pitch and rifle it down the first base line for a leadoff double. in the next at bat, whilst the diamondvision is boasting a stat akin to something like bacon is hitting .569 10/19 with RISP with less than 2 outs, and he proceeds to go 11/20 by pulling one down the leftfield line for what was a long RBI single. in his third at bat he drove one right smack dab in the middle of the right-center gap for his second double of the game, and indeed, his teammates were willing to bring home the bacon as he scored his 2nd run of the game. after that he struck out on a really nice called third strike by i believe bruney.
unfortunately, mariano rivera did clown him in the B9 clutch cargo siutation where there was a runner or two on and 1 out and he was jammed on a pitcher's pitch for an easy infield out. c'est la vie, eh?!@
on a cool note, i ended up sitting next to a semi/longtime WSCR 670AM intern, johnny doingthings, who works for the new dan mcneil show and occasionally does live remote work with the valhalla palace of sports talk radio, the boers and bernstein show. terry boers is the crusty old disdain-spewing caustic ascerbic and occasionally inhospitable sports guy taht more often than not is dead on with his analysis, let alone his masterful double entendres that give you insight into the kind of stories you'd want to hear from someone like him, only they can't really be said on the radio so you gotta tune into the 2nd level of conversation to pick up on it.
example: even the intern wouldn't verify this, but from listing to b&b i picked up the story through their entendres: the whole urlacher/cutler thing, if i'm not mistaken, resulted from cutler getting with an ex/urlacher hosebag and in-or-around an OTA urlacher got in cutler's face and 4 teammates had to hold him back. so he runs into bobby wade in vegas and no doubt mentions "cutler's a pussy" which if you know brian urlacher, rock-headed manchild for the ages, that's so totally his MO. the bears camp is on some deny deny deny nothing happened blah blah blah and most of the media outlets in the city want good favor with the bears, especially in this our season of seasons where we don't have to put on CBS at 3pm to watch the AFC for *real* football, nope, we've got actually-quarterbacked football in chicago.
but yeah, taht's just what it is.

hey god, if you're listening...

oh dear heavenly father from above,

my name is james and i'm the overlord of the cicero rockstars fantasy baseball enterprise. i would like to cordially thank you for allowing me to run game in my three other leagues, especially #3, and thank you for some of the finer things in life: 12-6 curveballs. the hello neighbor chapstick-looking-device, incredibly dank marijuana, rap records, and katy perry's breasts. seriously, divine providence shines upon us each and every day if we're not too busy to look around for a second.

that said, as i embark upon my mini-baseball odyssey starting tomorrow and heading into the middle of the week, i would like to ask you one little favor. can these rumors of vlad skipping a rehab assignment and being back in time for the white sox series be true!?@ you see, i'm going to be the schmuck at all three games rocking my anaheim angels hat offset by my OG expos vladimir guerrero jersey, as i have been doing for the last 8 seasons.

as a vladimir guerrero afiocionado, this season has been rough. his streak of 11 straight seasons of .300+ 25+ HR (tying him with *only* joe dimaggio) is undoubtedly coming to an end this year... c'est la vie, eh?!@ nonetheless, the 4th quickest hitter to 2000 hits in baseball history still has some game left and will undoubtedly grow into a grizzled AL DH who should be able to hopefully get into the low-mid 500s for homeruns and achieve 3000 hits and howevermany RBIs and whatnot whilst maintaining a .315-.320ish career average and a damn good looking back of the baseball card.

if it's not too much to ask, could you do a solid for a player and give him some vladimir guerrero love at this forthcoming angels series?!2 whenever the angels are in town that's kind of like my baseball moment, seeing as you kind of let those motherfuckers junk my baseball team, le expos, systematically kill them not too undifferent from discombobulation-type-mutilation (look up the story of jeffrey loria taking the farm system and all of the scouting computers from the minors when he ran down to florida and bought the marlins. and look at how productive the marlins farm system is. and why the nationals fucking sucks. the best farm system in baseball, traditionally anyways, ended up in florida.

so now there's a reanimated corpse of a team running around the nation's capital with a fucking walgreens logo on their hats that creates a sucking sound so loud and profound on a clear night even 1000 miles away you can hear it off in the distance if you listen. i implore you to try it... go outside on a still night and listen for a tiny little sound of sucktitude and you can smile and sleep easy knowing that somewhere somehow the washington nationals are out there sucking far more than you could ever possibly dream of sucking even in your wildest dreams.

i got over the expos thing. i kind of wear the having-a-dead-baseball-team-thing on my sleeve, not too undifferent from brooklyn dodgers fans. so thansk for that, i mean really thanks... but foreal dude, what's up on some vlad this week!?@

your humble vessel, servant, and ass-kicking-death-robot,

# james