the legend of jorge cantu: baseball jesus
(nicked from my main fantasy league... this is why you dont wanna play baseball with me... i talk)
upon seeing that cicero rockstar castoff jorge cantu got picked up, i said...
subject: OMFG YES BASEBALL JESUS HAS A HOME!@$#@
jorge cantu, a man whom i affectionally referred to as "baseball jesus" for the first month and a half of this baseball season, needed a home. you walked by the pet store and saw a bunch of baseball players pressed up against the glass...
you havent jumped on mark ellis because he's mark ellis. angel pagan came up in the cubs organization...how good could be be!?@ andrew mccutchen is the truth but he's not a fantasy stud on taht team as of yet, and um, kyle blanks truly lives up to the name.
so you took one of the coolest looking players in baseball (he looks gangsta... he wears the brim of his cap low and he's got this chill chinpatch/soulpatch thing that kicks out a little bit to the right of the actual chin, but just enough to wave at you from either side... and he looks down a bunch so you don't see his face and like, i pretend he's wearing a visor cuz like, this world burns too bright for a man as locked in and in the zone as baseball jesus Himself, jorge cantu.
incidentally, the phrase came from one of his OMFG!$#@ weeks in april when he was like 2-2 HR 3 RBI in the 4th inning of a game and i'm just like "FUCKYEAH!!@# THIS GUY IS MY PERSONAL BASEBALL JESUS" and well, the name stuck =D
reply subject: Re: OMFG YES BASEBALL JESUS HAS A HOME!@$
My team is in need of a messiah. If Cantu turns out to be the anointed one that would be great. Maybe I just thought if you could have him, I can too.
my reply subject: JORGE CANTU IS NOT TO BE PASSED AROUND LIKE A ROOFIED WHORE
DUDE THIS IS BASEBALL JESUS. or hey-zeus, however you say it... this isn't like some "ain't no fun if the homies can't have none" this is a commitment. people spend their whole lives believing that if they live a virtuous existence of selfless benevolence that someday st peter gammons will let them through the gates at monument park into the ballfield of heaven and then and only then will they be able to meet the man, the myth, the legend that is jorge cantu, or if you're really OG like you predate baseball jesus in his jorge cantuian form, if you can say his 217 character name only able to be said by humans if they cut off 37% of their tongue in such a pattern that is only known to a team of monks that lives high atop mount everest and will only divulge the secret to the chosen one, and my bad dudes that chosen one is an expos fan, well, then you can't pass around baseball jesus like a roofied whore, ok!?@$#