welcome to 2006

so now that the first post-gameday newspaper is on my lap complete with box scores oh yes luscious box scores it is time to talk incessantly about my baseball fantasies, or lack thereof.

last night i was privy to a whitesox game that reiterated why they won the world series last year: they're a take-no-shit team that seems to have their heads screwed on correctly when it comes to working together to achieve a common goal, oh yeah and they're upgraded over last year with an actually-dangerous DH (ask hawk harrelson, you gotta make yourself dangerous up at the plate. or maybe you should ask c.c. sabathia about that one?) their pitching will likely have high expectations in the minds of fans and analysts who muse over the concept of a dynasty, not to mention the pitchers themselves might have a bit of a mental letdown of sorts, however this is nothing serious to impede a path to the playoffs, where hey every year its a new year and just get there and we'll see what happens. sure i'll make predictions like the next man, however when i look at a team throughout the course of the year i determine if they have a legitimate shot at it. if they do and its a team i like, hey, thats when i get pretty excited just like the next man =D

anywho, today was the first day of real all in your face baseball and i was up to task. my day started at 12:10pm with the ESPN national broadcast of the mets and nationals. as if they had asked me for my dream team, ESPN provided stone cold vets chris "punny nickname" berman and jeff "how did he get a job here?" brantley. i'd have to say that out of all my play by play guys i prefer berman the least, even tho i think he's a swell guy who could kick my arse in golf, and i definitely do not like to hear brantley. whenever i hear him talk i just picture him with his hands up in the air driving the point home, championship ring proudly displayed, and him meandering about some point which i could stomp him on. and i never even played the fucking game.

anywho, berman serves as a billboard for whatever sport he's covering. since its opening day and its americana like wal-mart, they have to be especially positive jock-riding "ambassadors of the game" on opening day, which means that he incessance factor was through the roof. for me, it all started with the verbal monument they built to the mighty jose vidro. don't get me wrong, i'm an expos fan in this sick and twisted game of life, and while i respect vidro as a serviceable league-average 2Bman before he lost a couple'a knees in nam, calling him one of the league's best, a perennial allstar, and all kinds of praise usually reserved for david ortiz in any non-opening-day-broadcast is just kind of ridiculous. he's a well tenured man in the organization now that vlad is gone, otherwise any manager in his right mind would start soriano over him at 2nd base because soriano is the truth, whereas vidro is a passing complement to a girl you know you have no shot with. i could cite more examples about these guys, but if you know what i'm taking about then you're the kind of reader i hope to have and lets move on.

about 1:00pm the cubs/reds came on wgn and yes oh god yes president bush is here to throw out the first pitch and the genius minds of len kasper and bob brenly are here to get me all pumped up to see the most widely recognized asshole grin in the world toss out the first pitch. i wonder what espn2 is picking up at 1:00pm.

zap.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT'S STEVE STONE!! an oasis in an islant of shit, steve stone is a beacon of hope in a baseball world gone retardo montalbon. this man literally raised me by manning the booth with harry caray from my birth to as long as i can remember. he's diabolically intelligent, and now that he's off of the cubs' leash his truth-fortified sarcasm wields truth in a manner only matched by stephen colbert. espn wisely paired him up with steve phillips, a charismatic ex-gm of the mets who sees talent and ability through the absurdity of corporate baseball, not to mention humor in the ways of steve stone. they go at it in wit wars that totally crap on some of the more hilarious aspects of baseball, although a great deal of simpleminded people would think them "assholes". moderating them is gary thorne, a veteran NHL announcer who has a stone-cold vocal delivery and an intellectually-fortified sense of humor that is requisite to surviving in that booth for howevermanytimes a year. i'm drawing blanks on quotes and stuff from tehse guys, but its a long season, and you will definitely hear more about them. put it this way, this crew makes any game, evne a bad one, watchable because you learn so much and laugh your ass off if you are truly in on the jokes. which never stop rolling at the apexes of the game.

red sox versus rangers. schilling vs millwood. good luck there, texas.


at 1:10pm the cubs extravaganza starts. the cubs score 5 early runs, mainly thanks to a splendid piece of hitting by exciting young LFer matt murton. the cubs very own redman delivers a cool calm demeanor, the ability to hit the ball straight up the middle and likely to both fields, and a nice lanky build which is condusive to being flexible in terms of speed/power. i think with confidence and bad NL central pithcing the kid could hit upwards of 25+ home runs. until albert pujols played a couple'a hours later, he WAS leading the NL in homeruns.

now i am a big believer in carlos zambrano. he is my favorite pitcher in all of baseball, and even games like today illustrated why: he's nuts. but in the right ways. he gets upset when a mere pitch doesnt go his way. he snaps his glovehand at the ball and yanks it out of the air before it even reaches him. he paces talking to himself, god, or whoever happens to be within earshot. he jumps up with a fistpump when he gets out of a nasty inning by giving up a warningtrack flyball with the bases loaded, screaming something so passionately he loses his gum, lands, and recoils the fist for a couple of more pumps while hte screaming is constant.

this man gave up 5 ER in 4 2/3 IP today. but from what i saw, ol chuckles will be just fine. by the way the cubs scored 16 runs today, matching last year's 16 which was up on 2004's seven, but down from 2003's 15. so literally, when you're talking about the cubs you can ask "where did the offense go" and you'd be correct, because at least for four seasons in a row it was there on opening day, if not completely useless by september (insert rimshot here)

going around the league, it's nice to see a first at-bat homerun from vladimir guerrero, who if you dont know is basically the daddy of cicerockstardom. this man is the best player in baseball. if you dont understand this now, someday it will become very clear to you. vlad lost three cousins in a car accident during spring training, causing him to pull out of the world baseball championships, and limiting him to 18 games this spring. he hit .479 with 22 hits, 4 doubles, 3 homeruns, and 13 rbis. he's ready. 2 run HR in the first at bat? he's locked. i run a vladometer on my myspace page, and i am ready to predict him to be the AL MVP along with fellow exexpo javier vazquez as the AL cy young award winner.

NL mvp is albert pujols, cy young is carlos zambrano.

these are just my picks, i am likely wrong, but if i get even one right i will take 500 embellishing words to let you know how right i was. revel in the moment. it's opening day. i'm enjoying it. more hardcore statistical analysis coming as the season warms up here and is tart churning the fantasy baseball combine. btw first place today with 67.5 points. i'm unnecessarily cocky to feign an aura of invincibility: so i'd better get used to thsi status because i am building a condo in first place this season.

hasta

# el carneceria jimenez del sol