keep in mind, i'm typing this next to a banner ad that says "katy perry hangs out backstage with her number one fan"
i will be her number one fan if she begs me to have hot sex with her. the best part about hot sex is like, women can't talk. honestly, it is not their job to talk, tho the ones who can do it like an artform YEEEAHHH. some women are just here to be hot shoved around idolized accordingly and then fucked by champions like me. katy is one of them. gym class heroes!?@ hmm.
how about street ball heroes?!@ so once i drive the lane i'm too have fat to have hangtime but fuck you i'm handling the rock go left down the lane back right hand fake jab step in back around to center get layupish and go under come back up left so fast i'm falling backwards diagonally towards the 3 point line from the basket, two backrolls, and as i'm getting up the shot which was clunged off of the rim is bouncing back diagonally towards in me, in rhythm, the ball bounces into my hands as i ascend up from a double backroll and i'm already in perfect jumpshot rhythm so as the ball divinilistically pops into my hands, i nail a three pointer. swish.
i've studied michael jordan's backpedal and let's just say i did it without even so much as a fist pump cuz i like playing defense more than offense.
about 5 people were lucky enough to witness what they just saw. honestly, this kind of stuff happens to me by accident or randomly or synchronistically however you wanna roll. i dont hatch evil plans to make this shut up.
i mean i had some shitface white kid bragging about his car and his shoes and how i look like weird white trash (white men can't jump. shhh dont tell anyone, we can shoot, right double L who is from french lick but will never lick anything french because he's a real fucking american hero like gi joe!?@ i need a larry bird jersey, when the sonovabitch had knees he'd outshoot you and outdrink you like the gunslinger that he was is and i will be proud to highfive in the future.
you realize, once i get in shape i'm 29... i'm brilliant. i'm going to play in the NBA, right?!@ do you have any idea how good i am at basketball?!@ have you seen me type for free in the guise of writing cuz you have to go to stores to buy books of PROFESSIONAL WRITERS LIKE JOHN HODGMAN (scared him and his book label away in one e-mail trying to get him to make a rap song with me)
go with the unprofessional one. he has no profession cuz he wanders between them all going "hahahhaha cool i can tell off a dumb bitch "BITCH I WAS THE ANTICHRIST 500 YEARS BEFORE I WAS BORN" and not be lying, like sledge hammer?!@# i loev you, god, thanks for allowing me to live in heaven, earth.
oh yeah baseball. AARON HILL 107 RBIS WOOT WOOT. he and his wife had their first kid, and road pussy of the world beware, want a proper baby's daddy, aaron hill gonna be rich soon boy whoooo-heeeee any warrior who lights up starts smackin bastard pitches around the park and god tests him with a knee acl arm whatever it was then he comes back and literally from day 1 of this season does better than chase utley day to day pitch to pitch in a much much harder park to hit in?!@#
* high five *
i hope aaron hill, like redman before him, keeps the babys mamas calling.
the world would be a better place if each city had a half-bastard aaron hill seed, ask redman, he's proud of his kids and i bet he loves that theres so many mothers cuz if he needs more money somehow like his ROYALTY CHECKS dont keep coming for him being intergalactic ROYALTY, hmm, i think my work here is done.
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